First, get your mind right. Fool. We aren’t trying to hear that.
For whiners, complainers, man-babies, actual babies.
When shocked by bratty behavior, narrow your eyes and in your most disgusted voice - the one you have to reach to your toes for because what is sarcasm without the odor of feet and fungal decay - say, out loud, “What do you want? A sugar tit?”
Oh, DAMN. No, they didn’t.
But, wait. What is a sugar tit? Really? What is it?
It’s what you give babies who are crying when you can’t give them yourself. It’s a homemade pacifier made from sugar and bits. Make one like this*:
Take a piece of cloth - cotton, clean. Bandana, hankie, scrap of sack cloth. An apron will do in a pinch.
Lay it on the table.
In a small bowl, make a paste of honey, white sugar, and bourbon. Never give your infant moonshine. What are you anyway?
Place the mixture in the center of the cloth. Draw the sides together using the cloth to consolidate the mixture into a ball. Tie in a knot above the glob or secure it with string, twine or a rubber band. Apply to infant.
*Do not confuse this with actual advice. Think of it as dodgy field medicine. No honey for infant under one year. And don’t give your babies alcohol. No one deserves moonshine. Your infant least of all.